My New Nigerian Friend
- Details
- Category: Blog
Susan is one of my Facebook friends from my hometown that I haven't seen or talked with for at least 15 years. I met her when I was in sixth grade, when we were both Munchkins in a high school production of Wizard of Oz. She's a couple of years younger than me, and as we grew older we ran in different circles, so weren't what you'd call close in high school, and we completely lost touch after that.
It's only through the almighty power of Facebook that we're at all connected today, and even at that we've had little chance to really catch up with each other and reminisce about being Munchkins and stuff.
That said, you can imagine my surprise when I got an instant message from her today:
3:10pmSusan
hi
3:09pmDave
Hey
You there?
3:10pmSusan
yes
just a bit down
3:10pmDave
What's going on?
3:10pmSusan
My cousin as been diagonalized of cancer and she need to be operated right away and she need my help can you help me with little loan
Let's pause there.
Someone I don't know IMs me out of nowhere, to share the bad news about her cousin.
I don't know Susan's cousin.
She then asks me to help out with some money, because apparently her cousin is dealing with the one doctor on Earth who didn't take the Hippocratic oath and is threatening to go home and let her die because she hasn't ponied up the money for her life-saving operation.
Sounds fishy, no? Yeah, me too.
Having heard about this stuff before, I knew that a) Susan's cousin wasn't sick, b) this was an attempt to scam money, and c) I wasn't chatting with Susan, but probably some dude in Nigeria.
It's a very common scam tactic these days. Scammers, most often based in Nigeria, hack into peoples' Facebook accounts and IM their friends, pretending to need help to deal with an emergency. They're part of a variety of tricks called 419 scams.
Here are a couple of cool links about 419:
http://www.networkworld.com/news/2008/111008-facebook-hit-by-nigerian-419.html
http://abcnews.go.com/Video/playerIndex?id=2707572
Having figured out the deal early, I decided to string him along for my own amusement, and to see if I could get him to give up any of his info.
While we both failed, the positive note is that I had an IM chat with the real Susan later, and it was nice to make contact with an old friend and laugh about a new memory.
The complete transcript is here, reprinted with Susan's (and without "Susan's") blessing.
3:10pmSusan
hi
3:09pmDave
Hey
You there?
3:10pmSusan
yes
just a bit down
3:10pmDave
What's going on?
3:10pmSusan
My cousin as been diagonalized of cancer and she need to be operated right away and she need my help can you help me with little loan
3:11pmDave
Being diagonalized sounds pretty serious
3:11pmSusan
yes
please can you loan me some money i will pay back on friday
3:11pmDave
You mean this friday?
3:12pmSusan
yes
3:12pmDave
Let me check
3:12pmSusan
ok.
3:12pmDave
When did you find out about your cousin?
3:13pmDave
???
How much money will it cost?
3:15pmDave
You still there?
3:15pmSusan
she just need me tio help with what ever i have
yes
3:15pmDave
When did you find out?
3:16pmSusan
she jus called me to tell me
3:17pmDave
Man, I just saw her last week. She looked fine at the gymnastics meet
But something did seem wrong when she came in last
And that was a nasty fall off the balance beam
Do you think that has something to do with it?
3:19pmDave
Are you chatting with someone else? I will need to run. My duck hunting club is meeting at 4. Can we do this later? I really want to help.
Susan?
3:20pmSusan
ok. thanks
you want me to send you her informaion so you can send the money direcly to her
3:20pmDave
I'm happy to help... she has always been so sweet to me
Helping me with my homework and stuff
Taking me to the vet when I had that cough
3:21pmSusan
oh
3:21pmDave
Do you know she flashed me her breasts once?
3:21pmSusan
i dont know
3:22pmDave
Yeah, it was in church.
I'm surprised she never told you
Wait, did she know we were doing it?
3:22pmSusan
Dave when are you sending the money
3:22pmDave
I'm just checking my account now
3:23pmSusan
ok.
3:23pmDave
I'm having a hard time with this, really
I think I'm in shock
Bethy being diagonalized
3:23pmSusan
you can send the money via western union on phone
3:24pmDave
Three weeks after my uncle got hit on the head with a rhombus
He still can't add numbers correctly
What is the phone number?
3:25pmSusan
you mean western union phone number
3:25pmDave
Yeah, that
3:25pmSusan
ok. wait let me get it
3:25pmDave
I'm going to have Steve call, too. It's the least he can do after Bethy saved him from the fire
Plus all the physical stuff they did
Bethy is crazy
3:26pmSusan
why did you say that
3:27pmDave
Did you ever hear what Bethy did with that guy who was visiting from Nigeria?
3:27pmSusan
what did she do?
3:27pmDave
Oh, man. She met him, and 45 minutes later they were in bed together
We didn't see them again for two days
And then she flew to Nigeria to visit him that summer
In between, she shot sexy videos of herself and sent them to her
him
3:28pmSusan
oh tha is crazy
3:28pmDave
Yeah. I think she just has a thing for Nigerian men
3:29pmSusan
you want the number now
i mean the western union number
3:29pmDave
Have you ever been to Nigeria?
3:29pmSusan
Nope o do what
3:29pmDave
I don't know... you're pretty crazy, too
3:30pmSusan
hmmm
lol
3:30pmDave
Yeah, we have fun
3:30pmSusan
Dave you want the number now
3:30pmDave
Oh, man...
Hang on
3:30pmSusan
ok
3:30pmDave
All the money in my account is gone
3:31pmSusan
how do you mean
3:31pmDave
Jesus
Oh no
I had lots and lots of money yesterday, and now it's gone
Oh dear heavenly father
3:31pmSusan
how can it be gone stop kidding
3:31pmDave
I'm not kidding
3:32pmSusan
ok.
3:32pmDave
I had it yesterday, then I got an email from a guy who promised to give me half of his fortune
3:32pmSusan
never mind
bye
3:32pmDave
Hang on
let me check my other account
You still there, Susan?
3:33pmSusan
yes
3:33pmDave
Let me see my other account
3:33pmSusan
k
3:33pmDave
Oh, whew
I forgot I transferred everything there
3:33pmSusan
Ok. you can use your credit card
3:34pmDave
Ohhhh, OK
That sounds like a better idea
3:34pmSusan
you want to call western union now?
3:34pmDave
We're still meeting up on Friday?
3:34pmSusan
yes
3:34pmDave
We're still going to the orgy, right?
3:35pmSusan
yes
3:35pmDave
Who is having it this week again?
3:35pmSusan
dave when we see we will talk about that ok.
3:35pmDave
I don't remember where we said we were meeting
3:36pmSusan
dave you dont seems to be serious with me
3:36pmDave
What are you talking about?
How is this any different from how we always talk?
3:36pmSusan
are you loaning me the money yes /No
3:37pmDave
I will if you answer me one question
3:37pmSusan
i am not going to answer any damm question
3:37pmDave
No?
3:37pmSusan
ok.
bye
3:37pmDave
Hang on
I'm sorry
I've had a rough day
3:38pmSusan
ok
oh sorry
3:38pmDave
My boss got on me for breaking the salt, and now the news about Bethy's diagonalization
It's a lot, you know?
3:38pmSusan
yes
3:39pmDave
You probably didn't know this, but back when we did that play I had a diagonalization scare of my own
3:39pmSusan
dave common are you sending the money yes /no
3:39pmDave
Yes
3:39pmSusan
so send it now
3:39pmDave
Should I call western union, or send it directly to Nigeria?
3:39pmSusan
you are sending it to virginia
3:40pmDave
But you're in nigeria, right?
What's your name, dude?
Come on, you can tell me
I'm fascinated by you guys
I want to know more
3:41pmSusan
how do you mean
3:41pmDave
You're sitting at a computer in Nigeria pretending to be Susan
I get it
I just want to know more
You know how I know?
Come on, talk to me
What's your real name?
Sean?
Barry?
Alfred?
Molina?
